Abilene Christian University, flagship secondary education institution of the non-instrumental Churches of Christ, has made the following inspirational announcement concerning their historic and award-winning five hundred piece band:
“The Wildcats of ACU have always been and always shall be very proud of our band and its accomplishment. While never as well-known, respected or entertaining as the Cowboy Band from our cross-town rival Hardin-Simmons University, we have prided ourselves on always making a joyful noise—but never to the Lord, for that would be blasphemous.
“It has come to our attention, though, that the real religion of Abilene, and all of west Texas, is football, therefore we can no longer allow ourselves to be sullied by the playing of instruments at football games. We are, therefore, decreeing that henceforth the Wildcat Band will be non-instrumental. It will continue to function, however, as the 500+ plus talented musicians who make up the band and have delighted fans for ages with their precision on-field marches will continue to appear at all ACU football games, during which they will march proudly about the field while humming such standard tunes as ‘Stars and Stripes Forever’, the school fight song, and the ZZ Top classic ‘Tush’.
“So come on out for Wildcat football and, when the new and improved Wildcat Band takes the field at halftime, we bet you won’t be able to tell the difference from your place in line at the concession stand or in the restroom!”
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